A Less Sweary Post About Frozen Shoulder ….

So, at the back end of December 2014, I pulled on to my driveway, reached round with my left arm (UK driver) to pick my handbag up from the passenger seat … a searing pain shot down my arm – one that I am never likely to forget …. it frightened me .. I cradled my left arm with my right one as if it were my baby.  I almost sobbed.  After a good 30 seconds or so the pain eased .. and then went …. I was in a bit of shock but relieved it had stopped.

I can’t exactly remember the next time it happened, or the times after that but I know it was happening …. I’d be doing a Body Combat class at the gym, punching and a sudden jolt would send that feeling of a hot-knife-inducing pain down my arm and the class instructor would ask me if I was OK …. or I’d nearly trap my hand in the fridge door and without thinking I’d pull my arm back really quickly and there I’d be, on my knees whimpering in agony, again cradling my bad arm with the good.  I made a decision to visit my GP … trouble was I loved going to the gym (kettlecise, total body conditioning, kettlebell conditioning, body combat classes etc) and my biggest fear was being told to stop …. after a few “tests” and listening to what I had to say she surmised that I had torn a tricep and. …. I was told to rest up.

Well me being me and thinking I knew better, I carried on, just dropped the kettles classes .. but when it wasn’t getting any better thought I’d better stop … so at the end of January I put a hold on going to the gym ….

By mid to late March things still weren’t any better and I asked the GP for a physio referral which she did … and I had to wait for ….. I got impatient waiting for my NHS physio so booked a private one – £35 for 30 minutes – ouch – almost as painful as the shoulder!!! …. please understand that by this point I was desperate to get something to stop the pain …. I was beginning to feel like a freak … or that I had something really, seriously wrong with me… The private physio decided I had torn a ligament in my shoulder and gave me some ultrasound treatment to help repair the muscle … she muttered something about my GP would probably say it was Frozen Shoulder as “that’s what they always say” …. a couple of days after I had seen her the NHS physio appointment came through for the next week so I ditched her!!!….. by that point I was really starting to worry … but I knew I had to wait….

Long chat with the NHS PT and he also agreed Frozen Shoulder …. he gave me exercises to do and tried to manipulate my arm into positions that my ligaments didn’t want me to do …. it was horrid … but I resolved to continue and keep on with that and take my naproxen and cocodamol like a good girl and see what the scan said ……..

A further session with the NHS PT 3 weeks later saw him causing me a lot of pain but I convinced myself it was for the greater good – but trying to relax whilst he tried to get my arm to move at angles my thickened ligaments and almost superglue like fluid didn’t want me to do was vile …. and break up the adhesions a bit – not friendly … incidentally, if you don’t have a clue what Frozen Shoulder is, have a read of this …. this my friend, is more painful than one can truly describe ….. words do not work …. only having FS will allow you to truly understand the gravity of it …

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Frozen-shoulder/Pages/Introduction.aspx

A couple of days after seeing my PT I had the ultrasound scan (on the Friday) – they told me to give it a week but I took a call from my GP’s surgery on the following Monday telling me it was definitely FS and to make an appointment for a review in a couple of weeks time…. I was able to confirm to my PT at the third session and when he tried to manipulate my arm this time I told him quite definitely that I hated him and that I would sooner give birth again than go through this ….. but I’ve made an appointment with him in another 3 weeks anyway ……

Frozen Shoulder

Well, what a bitch this is … I’ve thought about writing a blog about this for a while, but never really got round to it .. after all, sitting at a computer trying to type anything for any length of time is like trying to swing one-armed from the ceiling for several hours at a time …… however …

I first knew something was really wrong in January 2015 when I reached round to grab my handbag off the passenger seat of my car when an unenviable pain shot down my arm like someone had struck me with lightening – or stabbed me with a very sharp knife … I had felt some niggling prior to this… complained to my “Body Pump” exercise teacher of a bit of muscular shoulder pain, which she told me to use a foam roller for … but it transpires, this was the start of a new journey for me…

Frozen Shoulder is a Git… an evil, all consuming, debilitating,  mentally screwed up Git…. you don’t really appreciate how good it is to be functioning “normally” until you are afflicted with something that stops you in your tracks … I now have absolute utter respect for anyone that suffers with a lifelong disability … Frozen Shoulder (or FS as I shall call it going forward) knocks you for six … it makes doing anything vaguely physical almost impossible …. getting dressed – please allow AT LEAST twice as long as it normally takes for this and it will include wearing the baggiest, loose fitting clothes you can find … and sometimes you might think screw this, I don’t even wanna get dressed or wear a coat – I’ll suffer the brief cold of dropping my kid off at school cos trying to get my coat on is really too much like hard work … I’m in the car anyway … oh, and the car .. that’s another thing … changing gear?  what the fuck?

I took us over to the in-laws recently and my “darling” hubster made the mistake of asking me if I was going to get into a higher gear … I asked him who was driving?  If he had known what effort it takes to actually move one’s arm from third to fourth, he’d have kept his trap shut ….. … anyway… thought I’d just introduce me as mum of two, with Husband who regularly needs a slap and reminding of his place … and my evil shoulder problem (if you’ve never had it, trust me, you really WON’T fecking understand but if at some point in future you do suffer (my condolences) you WILL thank me for this blog) ….

I will be updating regularly but please feel free to leave feedback/your experience etc x

One Year Smoke-Free :) (Quite a few expletives in this one – be warned!)

Well, would you bloody believe it?  

I can hardly believe it myself, sitting here, typing this.  A whole year since a chemical-laden, nicotine-ridden stick touched my lips.  I do apologize if this seems a little self-indulgent, but please, don’t mind if I curtsy, ask for a pat on the back and actually, a huge, fucking fanfare!  I am so very, very proud of achieving this massive goal …. I did threaten to celebrate with a fag, but someone at work then threatened to kick my head in if I did (thanks Lesley) so no fear, I won’t be doing that silly cigarette thing again.  😉

It has been a really, really tough year though – not one I’d wish to repeat.  I think that mostly because of the struggles I’ve been through, I’ve also been a real bitch to live with (no, no, please don’t defend me, because I have 😉 and still am to some degree!) and whilst at times I often thought I was coming out the other side, I can see now that I’m still changing and growing as a person, still coming out of that fag-reliant personality and a year of huge emotional strain.

Giving up smoking has so far been a massive uphill struggle in itself, added to that the extra few pounds that I’m carrying, (that I can’t seem to shift for love nor money no matter how much green stuff and chicken I eat! – something I struggle with mentally – and this again thanks to my body recovering from quitting the fags – see, it really does fuck you up in all ways so if you haven’t ever smoked – well then, DON’T!), then losing my blessed Dad suddenly to heart failure/emphysema, which REALLY messed my head up for a few months ….. oh yes, and his second wife turning into the proper Wicked Witch of the East … proving herself to be the nasty, spiteful person that I had known her to be all along ….. thankfully I am stronger and better than her.  

So, here I am, 365 days down the line …. much more life experience under my belt ….. many more changes in attitude, lifestyle and so on and so forth.  I’m on to my second bicycle (a mountain bike this time) which I still am yet to ride.  It was donated to me by my most utterly gorgeous pal Hayley and has been taken away under the cover of night again by my very dear friend Eddie, to be serviced and resprayed by his buddy (Fee) and then, then I will be cycling for England.  I cannot wait!!  Old Bessie, the racer and my first two-wheeled vehicle in about 20 years, was recently sold to a very lovely lady off of some Facebook Selling page (for nearly twice what I paid for her – mange tout, mange tout, know what I mean Rodney?  Don’t be a plonker.)

I have also started exercising ….. at the gym!!  Yes, yes I know!!  Totally unnatural for a woman like me … but I entered a raffle at work back in February, won a 3-month’s all-inclusive subscription to gym/pool/classes at one of the local leisure centre’s so I thought I might as well use it…. and fuck me if I’m not enjoying it!!!!  So much so that I’m going to have to sign up (and pay!) when my freebie runs out in May aren’t I?  Not least because of the hot male tottie that is well worth a good perv over, but my endorphin’s are having a whale of a time too!!!!  In fact I have now reached a point whereby I actually WANT to exercise and get the major hump if I think I can’t!!!  It’s not making much difference to my weight loss at the mo, but it’s doing wonders for my self-confidence, energy levels and my health.  And anything positive is a bonus.  And hey, I can do it and breathe all the way to the bottom of my lungs, filling every inch of them with good air and not one single inclination to cough.  Not only that, food tastes great doesn’t it?!  Wow!  I never knew…. and my skin, looks so healthy …. not grey and tired any more ….. I’m not polluting my children’s air, I’ve cut my risk of cancer, heart disease and other related illnesses …. I didn’t get the nasty chest infection last October that I have predictably ended up with every autumn for the last 15 plus years ….. in fact I haven’t really been ill at all in the last year or so …. 

So you see, giving up smoking, whilst initially is really, really tough (it ain’t pretty) …. the overall result is one of extreme positivity and completely life changing …. I’d highly recommend it …. one year … one whole year… with many more to come …. go me!!  And I’ve said it before but seriously you, if you’re thinking of quitting, then go for it 😉 .. 🙂 …xxx

I Have a New Hobby!!!

Well, would you believe it?!

I have finally re-discovered my love of ………… cycling!  

A few weeks back I mentioned at work that I might like a bike but didn’t want to spend too much initially (after all, it’s been 20-something years since this old bird has been out on one!) … I just wanted something to help me to rebuild my confidence on a bike, something to get me going again …… then someone at work said she knew of a friend of a friend that was selling an old racer for £20 that needed a bit of TLC … she gave me his number, I rang him, went along to see this 20-year-old Raleigh and bought it there and then.  It apparently belonged to his daughter and had sat in his garage for many years, untouched.  And actually it didn’t look that bad…… and I’m pleased to say it wasn’t .. in fact, she’s pretty good.

Then another friend of mine – bizarrely someone I used to go to school with but really, had had nothing to do with since (you know that old saying?  something along the lines of that people come into your life for a reason whether it’s for a season or a lifetime? – well I think that’s certainly true of Eddie) but he loves his bikes – was once almost British Off-Road Champion (something-or-other – I’m not very “up” on these things – at the moment!!!) and he arrived at my house one weekend, disappeared with my bike in tow back to Derbyshire, had his mates laugh their socks off at it, but then they all set to work on it for me, replaced brake pads and seat and tyres and sprockets or something and cleaned it all up for me and brought it back almost as good as new!  

So I’ve been out on it a few times so far … downloaded some fantastic little app for my smartphone that tells me how many miles I’ve done, how many calories I’ve burned, my average speed, and so on and so forth – even does me a little map of where I’ve cycled.  It’s brilliant!!  Today I did 8.33 miles – the furthest I have gone so far … and I feel fecking fab!!  

I’ve swapped cigarettes for cycling, and it feels great.  Thanks to the four and a half months off the fags, I don’t get out of breath, I’m not wheezing by the time I get to the end of the road, I’m appreciating the sights and sounds around me and seeing things that I would never normally see whilst I chug along in my car on the way to work, and I’m enjoying fresh air and sunshine and gorgeous countryside and to be honest, I am getting one hell of a buzz out of it.  My Mam and Dad would be proud of how I’ve turned my life around so far …. and it feels good…. I cannot thank Eddie and his friends enough for what their hard work has done for me on a personal/emotional level – they may never realise it, but they have quite possibly saved my sanity by giving me something amazing to focus on … 

I’m hoping to start saving towards a mountain bike – to be fair, I’m getting on “OK” with the drop-handle-bars of the racer, but it *is* ever-so slightly too big for me (I have almost worked out a clever way to dismount safely being such a short-arse!) and it’s not what I am used to BUT she has so far given me a lot of pleasure and sparked in me that passion for being out on a bike again … so the money I’ve saved from not smoking will soon be going even further towards helping me to make improvements to my health and to be fair, I can’t fucking wait … 🙂 

4 Months On and Life has REALLY Decided to test my Resolve BIG TIME ….

Wow, what can I say?

It’s been a while since I posted and I’ve been a huge mixture of emotions since then. And if I am honest, I still am.

Sadly, my lovely Dad passed away on the 10th July 2013. We’d had our up’s and down’s that’s for sure! My Mam passed away in December 2002 and that was painful enough in itself, but when my Dad met his second wife, Angela, and moved her in – well the way he went about it all was unforgivable. Nevertheless I opted to try to accept her as my Dad’s new partner – as difficult as I found it. I’m glad now that my Dad had someone with him that he loved when he said “goodbye” to this world and moved on to the next. And actually Angela *is* all right … after all, my Dad chose my Mam, so his judgement can’t be that bad really can it? I am just glad that we had become friends and father/daughter again before he passed.

My husband is very sceptical of having another life from this one, and to some degree so am I, but it is actually quite comforting to think that we don’t just end our lives completely but go on to something better … something more peaceful and relaxed where we can float along in our own little bubble doing all the things that we would have loved to have time to do in our “real” lives ….

My dad had emphysema and congenital heart failure mostly caused by, yes, you guessed it, smoking. Although to be fair he was born with a heart defect (so much so that, when he was born, the doctors – back in the late 40’s you understand – said to his mum (our Nana) that he had no chance of living and that he might as well be “put down” there and then – 64 years on he proved them wrong didn’t he?!!! – but what a shocking attitude back then!) – so smoking wasn’t entirely to blame, but his cause of death was ischemic heart failure – basically furring of the arteries, so much so that the blood flow to his heart was restricted. I guess you could say he died of a “broken” heart.

It is certain for sure that he never got over losing Mam … even Angela acknowledged and accepted that … but she always says that is, for her, what made him a man. I guess it takes some kind of woman to step into those shoes.

I have found this time quite stressful and upsetting. To lose your second parent is distressing. At the funeral, most of my family were there … and they all smoke … every single one of them – I went outside to find them all puffing away like chimneys. Why don’t people learn from these situations? … it’s almost like “It will never happen to them” … well let me tell you, it can and there is every chance that it will.

Seeing my poor old Dad, traipsing up the stairs to the loo several times in a short space of time, due to the water tablets he was on to control the fluid on his lungs, and then coming down and hardly being able to breathe or walk … I don’t EVER want my children to see me like that. Not EVER. It’s frightening and I really wish my husband could’ve seen it so that he could see how debilitating smoking really is. Because yes, he still smokes. This also distresses me considerably.

Regardless of that, and despite what I have been through recently, I am proud to be here, still an ex-smoker – still to have not touched one nicotine-dripping, cancer-causing, heart-attacking fag … despite all of the shit I have gone through and the grief that some people continue to put me through, I am still here and still doing it …. and fuck the rest of them. I’m doing this for me and my kids – and to show my Dad that I can learn from him and live our lives better and healthier. These things are what are important in my life and me being here for my kids is what matters.

Becoming an Ex Smoker …. Nearly 10 Weeks On ….

When you take the journey into becoming an ex-smoker, it’s little wonder that nobody tells you about the “other side” to giving up, the initial “downsides” of stopping the dreaded weed.  Note I do say “initial” as things do get better.  So I’ve been told……

But nobody tells you about the havoc it wreaks on your emotions, how it turns you into an argumentative, outspoken, grumpy cow, and if I’m honest, puts you into proper bitch territory.

I feel some days I am a most hateful person.  For example, I might now post something on Facebook which causes slight controversy and I can’t deal with the reactions … so then I just want to say to folks “What the f*ck has it got to do with you what I post?!  It’s MY bloody Facebook wall!”, which is completely stupid really because Facebook is public and if I post something that is going to rile people, I should expect a response!  But I find myself wanting to shout at people and say “Stop telling me what to do!” but I don’t, because the rational side of me knows that they’re not really, but the nicotine-free side of me has made me a freaky bitch!  I would never, ever, ever have been so forthright before – this is what my husband says I am now since giving up the fags – more “argumentative, forthright and “with it”” – I think I prefer the last one better.

Some days, I feel like I’ve had a personality transplant.  I think perhaps deep down the softer side of me is coming back slowly because I am finding myself saying stuff outright and then going back when I’ve calmed down and deleting it all because I know that it wasn’t really the real me that posted it initially.  I feel like I’m turning into a right Jekyll & Hyde and I don’t even like myself very much some days so Heaven only knows what others may be thinking of me!  I’ve been a real mixed bag – very much up and down.  Mostly down, it has to be said.  I’ve been snappy, tired, horrible to people I would never dream of being horrible too and just downright shitty.  And there is nothing I seem to be able to do about it.  I have been assured after three or four months things do start to improve.

I have also gained a few pounds – maybe four – OK not that much I know, but it’s taken me to half a stone over my goal weight and that is really getting me down.  I’m even going so far as considering getting a bicycle and getting my wobbly ass out on that – I’ve also started geocaching.  This is great fun and something you can do with the kids if you have them.  It’s kind-of a worldwide treasure-hunt – you get the little App on your smartphone and it helps you to locate your nearest geocaches out and about – once you’ve found it and are not being watched by any “muggles” (the non-geocaching members of the public), you can open the tub, sign the log and take out a “gift” – so long as you replace it with another one of similar or greater value.  The satisfaction of finding a geocache is actually quite surprising and I’ve even been out at lunchtime to try to find the ones near to where I work!  Plus it means I am getting out AND getting some exercise and the kids love it too …. but it currently does not seem to be having any positive affect on my weight gain and THAT is my biggest bugbear.

Nevertheless I am being told to give it time, things will settle and level out and I will turn a corner at some stage, emotionally and physically.  On the upside, I am thinking much, much less about cigarettes.  I do still have very bad days where I could quite easily pick one up but it would have to be a *very* bad day now and not just a *bad* day – and anyway, I don’t pick one up – I don’t want to pick one up … the motivation and determination is still there in spadefuls and I’m quite impressed and proud of myself really.  So I am still here, and I am still, smoke-free.  😀

Six Weeks … Smoke Free-dom! (Although not without it’s drama!)

Title says it all really.  Here I am 6 weeks down the line and I am rocking (more-so than I have been anyway!!).  It’s not been without it’s “up’s and down’s” over the last few days – I can assure you.  In fact, it’s only over the last couple of days that I’ve realised how totally miserable and how out-of-character I have been and if I’m honest, it’s the Champix that has been mostly to blame, (as much as it pains me to say it) … because actually it *did* do it’s job initially of getting me weed-free.  I *am* glad I did my research into it before I started on it, so that I was able to recognise the signs (that it may be the cause of any emotional changes) as it meant I was able to take any necessary action as required, which unfortunately, were required.

Firstly I would like to point out that people have taken Champix quite happily, successfully, and given up smoking easily on it without any dire consequences – so don’t let my tale put you off.  You never can tell how any medication will affect you and it’s all very much dependent on your past and present circumstances and mindset.

As I say though, I *am* happy that I did the research, confident that I did the right thing in choosing it to help me break the smoking habit, but as I am now in a position where I am so much more “with it”.  Let me explain….

I have a much clearer head but the reasons as to why will become evident as I share my latest experience/s with you.  At the time I hadn’t realised myself how shitty I was becoming, but now, with a fresher and more upbeat attitude, I can see that I wasn’t really all there and I wasn’t even close to being me.

OK, so as I say, Champix did it’s job.  It blocked the nicotine receptors in my brain – stopped me from wanting a cigarette.  I was, for the most part, or so I thought, doing OK on it.  Then I got to about week 5 … and I suddenly started to feel very low and over the course of the next few days, felt more and more “down”.  I was “thinking” way too much (when I could, if my muggy head would let me), starting to resent my husband, finding reasons to pick fault with things in my personal life, finances, love-life, work-life, was starting to hate the way everything was for me.  I would sit here with the tears rolling down my face but too ashamed to let anyone see how sad I was, so would try to hide it to some degree – sobbing in private – it feels very sad and lonely.  I didn’t want someone to say – “ha! can’t cope with coming off the fags?!” or “pull yourself together” or anything like that – although that probably wouldn’t have been the case, it was how I was feeling.  I felt bitter, depressed, couldn’t see the positive in anything, was so very, very negative.  I was foggy headed, self-absorbed, forgetting to take my Champix (which actually may well have been a good thing, looking back) and was taking it every 24-36 hours instead of every 12.  I took the last tablet on the morning of Thursday 9th May 2013.  This was wholly because, on the evening of Friday 10th May 2013, I got myself into such a bad mental state that having previously already told my husband that I resented how much freedom he had, both emotionally and financially, whereas I felt that I had so many constraints, how I had given up things I enjoyed just so that I could afford to pay the bills and just afford to live, I had got to a point where if it wasn’t for my children, I probably wouldn’t be around any more and didn’t actually see much point in living.  

That frightened both myself and him I think.

It dawned on me then that something really wasn’t right.  Colleagues at work had told me that although I hadn’t been grumpy, I’d not been “happy” (OK so this was to be expected when coming off such an addictive drug like nicotine – harder than heroin to kick, so I’m told), but I knew in myself that something really wasn’t right.  A lovely friend/colleague of mine actually asked me to stop taking the Champix – she said that I didn’t need it and that I didn’t need the fags, I think she just wanted me to get back to being me really … but without the fags.  Bless her – she’s a bit like an auntie in disguise and is a real gem with a heart of gold.  She knew I wasn’t right though.  (Thank you Mrs P x)

I think she’s quite relieved that I’ve stopped the tablets.  I’ve definitely noticed a difference in my attitude and my mindset.  As it wears off I am certainly feeling more and more positive.  I’m still very tired and I’m still having dodgy dreams and my sleep is still being affected, but generally I feel better in myself, as a whole, as a person – I feel like I’m getting back to being more like me or an improved, more confident version of me! (even the hubster says I’ve become more argumentative, more confrontational and more “with it” – that may not be such a bad thing – if I’m less prepared to put up with the shit that life and work throws at me!).  

Have to confess, it’s a bit of a shock to the system having to battle coming off the fags without any help, but hey, it’s nearly a week since my last pill and I’m still smoke-free.  My kids (mainly my 10-year-old daughter) are so proud of me for doing this and that is the one thing really keeping me off the fags, as I can’t bear the thought of letting them down now.  I’m doing this for them, as well as me.

In other areas of my life, I’ve noticed that I’ve put a bit of weight on, but I expected that too – and I’ve actually only gained maybe 3-4lb since quitting, which I don’t think is bad-going (considering!).  I think now that I’m 6 weeks down the line, it’s time for me to get back on track with the Weight Watchers and take control of my eating habits too.  So from tomorrow I’m a new woman – revitalised and refreshed, healthier and fag-free.  In the meantime I’d really like to thank ALL of the people, friends, family and colleagues who have supported me so far in this journey and are continuing to do so.  Without you, I’m not sure I would have got this far.  So thank you.  Please don’t stop supporting me!!  🙂 

I’ll continue to let you know how I get on, if you’re interested obviously! 🙂 and finger crossed I’ll be blogging at Six Months Smoke Free-Dom 😀 x

Three Weeks Smoke-Free!!

Well, it’s been a week since I last posted (didn’t want to be too overbearing!) but thought I’d catch up and let you know how it’s been going.  The answer?  Pretty good actually.  🙂

The Champix have kicked in good and proper now.  I am suffering all sorts of horrible symptoms.  Bloatedness, major wind (much to my husband’s disgusted amusement), disturbed sleep (waking early, vivid dreams, nightmares etc.), emotional ups and downs (though that could be partly due to me being incredibly tired thanks to the disturbed sleep!), still the dreaded on-going nausea and a whole host of other “coming off the weed” negative (but temporary!) effects.

Nevertheless, I’m about halfway through the programme now.  (Just taken the last tablet in my first pack of two-week’s worth of full-throttle medication).  Another pack of two-week’s worth of the strong ones to go, then my pharmacist wants to start weaning me off.  Not sure if that means dropping down to the half-dose again for a bit or what, but I’m sure I’ll find out.  Am still intrigued to see how I feel when I come off the Champix completely as well.  Will I go running and screaming for a cigarette I wonder, or will I still not be able to stand the smell or the prospect of smoking one?

Don’t get me wrong, there have been times over the last week when I would have clearly smoked myself silly, but as the week has wore on, I’ve found myself thinking about ciggies less and less.  That’s not to say that they are completely off the agenda, but I really feel like I’m getting somewhere now and I don’t miss the hand-to-mouth thing either – in fact, I can’t even imagine myself doing that any more!  It’s starting to feel more natural not to smoke.

One of my work colleagues gave up smoking about 3 months ago, only she did it cold turkey.  Said it was about 6 weeks before she got to the stage where she didn’t even think about cigarettes.  I SO can’t wait for that day.

You know, I could quite easily have ended this journey at any time, but even after a couple of days of stopping I thought “I’ve got this far, I can do another couple of days” and so on – and here I am 3 weeks down the line.  I have to ask my husband to “breathe elsewhere” now when he’s come back in after a ciggie because he smells so bad.  😦

So if you’re reading this and thinking about quitting them yourself, go on give your body a break, battle through the ups and downs, give yourself a massive pay rise (and stop lining the pockets of the evil tax-man).  I’ll be right behind you every step of the way.

Two weeks Smoke-Free! Wooohoo!! :D

I want to take my time over this one because I have a lot to cover, but I am so enthusiastic about it I may type too quickly, get carried away, miss an awful lot out or bore you to tears!  Apologies in advance if I succeed in the latter especially!

As the title says, two weeks smoke-free!!.  But to be fair, it’s been a very up-and-down few days.  To be blunt, it’s been a real rough ride, a roller-coaster of emotions and if I’m honest, I don’t know if it’s the Champix getting “down and dirty” with me, or if it’s the general “not smoking” thing.  Champix can have an effect on your emotions, so perhaps it’s part that, part coming off the fags.  I think I’ve probably driven my amazingly supportive friends and family a bit nuts this week going on about it, but truth of the matter is, it’s quite a journey to be going on (and I seriously recommend anyone who is thinking about smoking or recently started, to get out of the habit now before it’s too late)!  Why?  Because this journey is mental as well as physical and I can understand why it’s been so easy for me to buckle under the pressure in the past – but this time round, I’ve still got my “I’m gonna effing do this” face on at the mo, which is something I’ve only managed to achieve for a maximum of a week before now.  

I’m kinda guessing that some folks who’ve given up fags in the past reading this, are thinking I’m a complete nut-job because they’ve found it easy, or they can relate to what I’m saying or they think I’m a complete nut-job because they found it so hard there is no way they want to put themselves through it again so will carry on puffing away till the day they die – it’s different for everyone but whatever way you look at it, it comes with it’s challenges.

I have to say that one of the forums I post on (nothing to do with smoking – it’s a whole heap of lovely ladies that I met when I found out I was pregnant with Charlie (my 6-year-old) – and they were all also due to give birth in September 2006) have been absolutely fantastic.  Totally supportive and given me strength – one or two in particular – as they have been where I have in the giving up smoking thing (I won’t name names to avoid any embarrassment) but they have been fabulous.  Also other people I’m friends with, that I’ve met in various ways – one who I met after selling an item to her on eBay of all things!  She has been utterly fab so far.  And it’s because of these wonderful people that I’ve not given up giving up.  I really do not believe that you can begin to try to do this on your own – but you really need that network of friends, family, co-workers etc. around you to keep you motivated and inspired when you’re at your lowest because if you’re motivated enough, they really do keep you going.

As I said, I’ve had a few shaky moments the last couple of days – I’ve been all over the place head-wise.  Then one friend pointed out that I’ve reached the point where my brain is trying to trick me, telling me that “Oh, you can just have one and you’ll be fine”, combined with the sudden realisation that actually I’ll never smoke again.  She hit the nail bang on the head.  I have been thinking exactly that recently (that I could perhaps just have “the one”) but haven’t succumbed because I know that “just the one” won’t be “just it” and I really have to do this.  She was also right about the “sudden realisation factor” – it’s quite overwhelming to be fair.  I was looking at holiday cottages for our family summer holiday last night and saw one that said “owners may need to cross the garden to tend to their vegetable plot and chickens” and my immediate thought was “I don’t want the owners crossing the cottage garden when all I want to do is go out and have a smoke in peace” – then the realisation hit me that actually I don’t smoke and don’t really need to worry about that, but it was, in truth, an overwhelming thought.  I’ll never smoke again.  I got quite emotional then and needed a hug from the hubster.  Realisation dawned on me at that point that everything my wise friend had said was spot on and it was all a bit too much for me to cope with!  Thank goodness that hubby was there to give me a shoulder to cry on.  

I’ve also noticed my sleep has been affected and I’ve continued to have messy dreams – heavy duty stuff, some rude (some not so rude, some just pure filth!), some where I’ve escaped being accused of a murder, some about me smoking and feeling horrendously guilty about it, some about my niece, the kids, everything – you name it, I’ve dreamt about it … but I am sure all of this will settle in time.  None of it is standing in my way.  I don’t ever remember feeling this motivated about giving up smoking and for the most part, it’s great.

Today has been a far better day.  I’ve not really wanted a fag.  I’ve felt good in myself.  My taste-buds and sense of smell are coming back!  I have so much more energy – I’ve been spouting my mouth off about things I couldn’t be bothered about before.  My whole personality has changed (though this could just be a short-term thing as I’ve always been the diplomatic sort) but I have bizarrely become more outspoken and honest.  I’m thinking about taking up some sort of kick-boxing or Thai boxing to expend this new-found energy elsewhere (as it seems quite “angry energy” at the mo).  The sugar-free chewing gum has seen me through, I know I’ve had a small weight-gain this week but I’ll sort that out.

I saw someone at work today who was out in “smoker’s corner” puffing away at lunchtime – I’d told her about 3 weeks ago I was planning on giving up and it was the first time I’ve seen her since – she asked me how I was getting on and I said “Two weeks!!!” and she was so pleased for me – told me to keep on going and not give up – I said that I won’t and I know that I won’t.  Two weeks is quite an achievement and I don’t want to find myself going back to the dreaded weed and then having to go through all this sh*t again.  

My wise friend also said I will reach a point where I will realise how good I feel being a non-smoker, and she can’t wait for that to happen – and to be fair – neither can I.  I don’t know *when* that will happen but I can’t bl**dy wait so I’m going to keep on going because I want to know how good that feels. 

Into Day 11 of No Ciggies

And woah, it would appear that some of you have actually found my blog quite good to read and I have even had the comment that it has been “entertaining” … so, spurred on by these positive comments, I thought I would keep you updated as to how things have been going so far.

And to say the least, it’s been good.  I signed up to NHS SmokeFree texts as I think I mentioned previously and half-way round the weekly food-shop today at Asda (I normally get it delivered but decided to DIY this week), I had a text which said “Remember when your clothes always smelled of cigarettes and your fingers were stained with nicotine?  Not any more.  You’re fresher, healthier and in control” … I immediately looked at the two fingers of my right hand between which a ciggie would normally have rested and thought, “Wow, yeah, you’re actually right, there’s no yellow shit on them any more!” and I haven’t been able to stop looking at them since!  And it’s a somewhat strange but good feeling.  I’d got used to looking at and hating the nicotine stains there and they had almost become an “old friend” but now they’re so much cleaner looking – after 20-odd years it feels kinda odd but nice in a peculiar way!  Get me being yellow-free!

As I said in one of my Facebook texts earlier, I’ve had a few slippery moments recently.  I’ve seen people smoking – I’ve become more aware of it now I’m not doing it.  When it’s been on TV I’ve thought “I could really do with one” but when I’ve seen people in “real life” I’ve thought “Yeah, you go and kill yourself on that nasty drug you stinky git” … maybe the TV smoking affects me more because I can’t smell it – if I could smell it I would probably hate it.  Having said that, even as a smoker I used to detest seeing parents smoking in their car with the kids in the back … as to what I feel about it presently, I fear I am going to be a militant ex-smoker and someone might get a gob-full for subjecting their kids to that poison and I could get some shit back from them.  Nevertheless, I think it will be worth it if it makes those parents think about what they are doing.

I have overcome all urges though.  Bloody hell, I’ve come this far, I’m not about to give up now, as much as I am finding that I really miss the taste sometimes.  I’m still determined.  I was petrified about gaining weight but after one week of not smoking I managed to lose 0.5lb (thanks Weight Watchers!) so I know I can control the two.  So I’m still going strong and still motivated.  Who’d have thought it eh?  🙂