Title says it all really. Here I am 6 weeks down the line and I am rocking (more-so than I have been anyway!!). It’s not been without it’s “up’s and down’s” over the last few days – I can assure you. In fact, it’s only over the last couple of days that I’ve realised how totally miserable and how out-of-character I have been and if I’m honest, it’s the Champix that has been mostly to blame, (as much as it pains me to say it) … because actually it *did* do it’s job initially of getting me weed-free. I *am* glad I did my research into it before I started on it, so that I was able to recognise the signs (that it may be the cause of any emotional changes) as it meant I was able to take any necessary action as required, which unfortunately, were required.
Firstly I would like to point out that people have taken Champix quite happily, successfully, and given up smoking easily on it without any dire consequences – so don’t let my tale put you off. You never can tell how any medication will affect you and it’s all very much dependent on your past and present circumstances and mindset.
As I say though, I *am* happy that I did the research, confident that I did the right thing in choosing it to help me break the smoking habit, but as I am now in a position where I am so much more “with it”. Let me explain….
I have a much clearer head but the reasons as to why will become evident as I share my latest experience/s with you. At the time I hadn’t realised myself how shitty I was becoming, but now, with a fresher and more upbeat attitude, I can see that I wasn’t really all there and I wasn’t even close to being me.
OK, so as I say, Champix did it’s job. It blocked the nicotine receptors in my brain – stopped me from wanting a cigarette. I was, for the most part, or so I thought, doing OK on it. Then I got to about week 5 … and I suddenly started to feel very low and over the course of the next few days, felt more and more “down”. I was “thinking” way too much (when I could, if my muggy head would let me), starting to resent my husband, finding reasons to pick fault with things in my personal life, finances, love-life, work-life, was starting to hate the way everything was for me. I would sit here with the tears rolling down my face but too ashamed to let anyone see how sad I was, so would try to hide it to some degree – sobbing in private – it feels very sad and lonely. I didn’t want someone to say – “ha! can’t cope with coming off the fags?!” or “pull yourself together” or anything like that – although that probably wouldn’t have been the case, it was how I was feeling. I felt bitter, depressed, couldn’t see the positive in anything, was so very, very negative. I was foggy headed, self-absorbed, forgetting to take my Champix (which actually may well have been a good thing, looking back) and was taking it every 24-36 hours instead of every 12. I took the last tablet on the morning of Thursday 9th May 2013. This was wholly because, on the evening of Friday 10th May 2013, I got myself into such a bad mental state that having previously already told my husband that I resented how much freedom he had, both emotionally and financially, whereas I felt that I had so many constraints, how I had given up things I enjoyed just so that I could afford to pay the bills and just afford to live, I had got to a point where if it wasn’t for my children, I probably wouldn’t be around any more and didn’t actually see much point in living.
That frightened both myself and him I think.
It dawned on me then that something really wasn’t right. Colleagues at work had told me that although I hadn’t been grumpy, I’d not been “happy” (OK so this was to be expected when coming off such an addictive drug like nicotine – harder than heroin to kick, so I’m told), but I knew in myself that something really wasn’t right. A lovely friend/colleague of mine actually asked me to stop taking the Champix – she said that I didn’t need it and that I didn’t need the fags, I think she just wanted me to get back to being me really … but without the fags. Bless her – she’s a bit like an auntie in disguise and is a real gem with a heart of gold. She knew I wasn’t right though. (Thank you Mrs P x)
I think she’s quite relieved that I’ve stopped the tablets. I’ve definitely noticed a difference in my attitude and my mindset. As it wears off I am certainly feeling more and more positive. I’m still very tired and I’m still having dodgy dreams and my sleep is still being affected, but generally I feel better in myself, as a whole, as a person – I feel like I’m getting back to being more like me or an improved, more confident version of me! (even the hubster says I’ve become more argumentative, more confrontational and more “with it” – that may not be such a bad thing – if I’m less prepared to put up with the shit that life and work throws at me!).
Have to confess, it’s a bit of a shock to the system having to battle coming off the fags without any help, but hey, it’s nearly a week since my last pill and I’m still smoke-free. My kids (mainly my 10-year-old daughter) are so proud of me for doing this and that is the one thing really keeping me off the fags, as I can’t bear the thought of letting them down now. I’m doing this for them, as well as me.
In other areas of my life, I’ve noticed that I’ve put a bit of weight on, but I expected that too – and I’ve actually only gained maybe 3-4lb since quitting, which I don’t think is bad-going (considering!). I think now that I’m 6 weeks down the line, it’s time for me to get back on track with the Weight Watchers and take control of my eating habits too. So from tomorrow I’m a new woman – revitalised and refreshed, healthier and fag-free. In the meantime I’d really like to thank ALL of the people, friends, family and colleagues who have supported me so far in this journey and are continuing to do so. Without you, I’m not sure I would have got this far. So thank you. Please don’t stop supporting me!! 🙂
I’ll continue to let you know how I get on, if you’re interested obviously! 🙂 and finger crossed I’ll be blogging at Six Months Smoke Free-Dom 😀 x
Things That Have a Huge Impact on my Life 