I want to take my time over this one because I have a lot to cover, but I am so enthusiastic about it I may type too quickly, get carried away, miss an awful lot out or bore you to tears! Apologies in advance if I succeed in the latter especially!
As the title says, two weeks smoke-free!!. But to be fair, it’s been a very up-and-down few days. To be blunt, it’s been a real rough ride, a roller-coaster of emotions and if I’m honest, I don’t know if it’s the Champix getting “down and dirty” with me, or if it’s the general “not smoking” thing. Champix can have an effect on your emotions, so perhaps it’s part that, part coming off the fags. I think I’ve probably driven my amazingly supportive friends and family a bit nuts this week going on about it, but truth of the matter is, it’s quite a journey to be going on (and I seriously recommend anyone who is thinking about smoking or recently started, to get out of the habit now before it’s too late)! Why? Because this journey is mental as well as physical and I can understand why it’s been so easy for me to buckle under the pressure in the past – but this time round, I’ve still got my “I’m gonna effing do this” face on at the mo, which is something I’ve only managed to achieve for a maximum of a week before now.
I’m kinda guessing that some folks who’ve given up fags in the past reading this, are thinking I’m a complete nut-job because they’ve found it easy, or they can relate to what I’m saying or they think I’m a complete nut-job because they found it so hard there is no way they want to put themselves through it again so will carry on puffing away till the day they die – it’s different for everyone but whatever way you look at it, it comes with it’s challenges.
I have to say that one of the forums I post on (nothing to do with smoking – it’s a whole heap of lovely ladies that I met when I found out I was pregnant with Charlie (my 6-year-old) – and they were all also due to give birth in September 2006) have been absolutely fantastic. Totally supportive and given me strength – one or two in particular – as they have been where I have in the giving up smoking thing (I won’t name names to avoid any embarrassment) but they have been fabulous. Also other people I’m friends with, that I’ve met in various ways – one who I met after selling an item to her on eBay of all things! She has been utterly fab so far. And it’s because of these wonderful people that I’ve not given up giving up. I really do not believe that you can begin to try to do this on your own – but you really need that network of friends, family, co-workers etc. around you to keep you motivated and inspired when you’re at your lowest because if you’re motivated enough, they really do keep you going.
As I said, I’ve had a few shaky moments the last couple of days – I’ve been all over the place head-wise. Then one friend pointed out that I’ve reached the point where my brain is trying to trick me, telling me that “Oh, you can just have one and you’ll be fine”, combined with the sudden realisation that actually I’ll never smoke again. She hit the nail bang on the head. I have been thinking exactly that recently (that I could perhaps just have “the one”) but haven’t succumbed because I know that “just the one” won’t be “just it” and I really have to do this. She was also right about the “sudden realisation factor” – it’s quite overwhelming to be fair. I was looking at holiday cottages for our family summer holiday last night and saw one that said “owners may need to cross the garden to tend to their vegetable plot and chickens” and my immediate thought was “I don’t want the owners crossing the cottage garden when all I want to do is go out and have a smoke in peace” – then the realisation hit me that actually I don’t smoke and don’t really need to worry about that, but it was, in truth, an overwhelming thought. I’ll never smoke again. I got quite emotional then and needed a hug from the hubster. Realisation dawned on me at that point that everything my wise friend had said was spot on and it was all a bit too much for me to cope with! Thank goodness that hubby was there to give me a shoulder to cry on.
I’ve also noticed my sleep has been affected and I’ve continued to have messy dreams – heavy duty stuff, some rude (some not so rude, some just pure filth!), some where I’ve escaped being accused of a murder, some about me smoking and feeling horrendously guilty about it, some about my niece, the kids, everything – you name it, I’ve dreamt about it … but I am sure all of this will settle in time. None of it is standing in my way. I don’t ever remember feeling this motivated about giving up smoking and for the most part, it’s great.
Today has been a far better day. I’ve not really wanted a fag. I’ve felt good in myself. My taste-buds and sense of smell are coming back! I have so much more energy – I’ve been spouting my mouth off about things I couldn’t be bothered about before. My whole personality has changed (though this could just be a short-term thing as I’ve always been the diplomatic sort) but I have bizarrely become more outspoken and honest. I’m thinking about taking up some sort of kick-boxing or Thai boxing to expend this new-found energy elsewhere (as it seems quite “angry energy” at the mo). The sugar-free chewing gum has seen me through, I know I’ve had a small weight-gain this week but I’ll sort that out.
I saw someone at work today who was out in “smoker’s corner” puffing away at lunchtime – I’d told her about 3 weeks ago I was planning on giving up and it was the first time I’ve seen her since – she asked me how I was getting on and I said “Two weeks!!!” and she was so pleased for me – told me to keep on going and not give up – I said that I won’t and I know that I won’t. Two weeks is quite an achievement and I don’t want to find myself going back to the dreaded weed and then having to go through all this sh*t again.
My wise friend also said I will reach a point where I will realise how good I feel being a non-smoker, and she can’t wait for that to happen – and to be fair – neither can I. I don’t know *when* that will happen but I can’t bl**dy wait so I’m going to keep on going because I want to know how good that feels.
Things That Have a Huge Impact on my Life 